


Blue Ain't (Usually) My Color

by Czaritsa (RomaStache)



Series: Red Velvet Reel [7]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Chpt 2:, Coffee Shops, Discussions of Monster Funerary Traditions, Established Relationship, M/M, Mood Swings, Slice of Life, cultural headcanons and differences, discussions of anxiety and relationship troubles, monster pregnancy, monster pregnancy headcanons, skelepreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-14
Packaged: 2019-09-12 18:00:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16877616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RomaStache/pseuds/Czaritsa
Summary: After that fight with Edge, Stretch is feeling terrible. Even though they're made up, he just can't seem to shake this rain cloud off- well, not permanently, anyway.If anyone can provide an unbiased perspective- well, at least biased to different enough extremes it ends up sort of balancing out- it's gonna be Blue and Red, right? Maybe they can make sense of the lingering worries and too raw emotions that are sitting in his soul to heavily. And if they can't... Well, at the very least, he can get some coffee covered in sprinkles.





	1. Who Needs You, Baby?

**Author's Note:**

> _If I were a painter, I wouldn’t change you- just paint you bright._  
>  _‘Cause Blue looks good on the sky_  
>  _Looks good on that neon buzzin’ on the wall_  
>  _But darlin’_  
>  _It don’t match your eyes_  
>  \-- "Blue Ain’t Your Color" by Keith Urban

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Who needs the heartache, baby, who needs the pain?_  
>  _Who needs to hang around and take the blame?_  
>  _Who needs a woman to make him blue?_  
>  _Who needs you baby?_  
>  _I do!_  
>  \-- "Who Needs You Baby" by Clay Walker

Stretch had literally been outside the other day, but something about today seemed _magical._  
  
  
The air was cool but not biting, not quite time to break out the terrible winter sweaters... but **_soon._** The leaves were gold and red, most of them still attached to the tree-but the ones on the ground still crunched delightfully under his shoes.   
  
  
Too bad he wasn’t in the right frame of mind to enjoy it. Forcing down another sigh, Stretch made his way to the coffee shop across the street. Mt. Ebbot Coffee Co. Store # 6.   
  
  
He had never been to this one before, but store #4 had Austin the Barista who changed his hair color every other week. Maybe this store also had someone who would be willing to pour sprinkles in his coffee, too.   
  
  
Stretch smiled to himself, feeling a little bit better. Actually, a lot better! Sprinkles and coffee were a _delicious_ combination! He was going to have delicious sprinkles coffee with his brother and his brother-in-law, and they were-  
  
  
He jumped when he heard tapping on the window, looking over his shoulder to find... Red. Face pressed against the glass, tongue lolling out of his mouth like a toddler. Was it _on_ the window? **_Gross._** Edge would have thrown a fit-  
  
  
The guilt started up immediately, and he felt bad again. Like really, really bad. Stretch did his best to smile at the baristas, but it felt half-hearted as he made his way to the corner booth. Red was already back in his seat, back flush against the wall with an unobstructed view of the entire establishment. Blue was sitting across from him like a more normal monster. Ugh, that was _mean-_ less paranoid monster.  
  
  
“What’cha mad at, Honey?”  
  
  
“Me. Myself. I.” He slid into the space next to Blue, leaning most of his body weight on his brother. Blue just held him tight, probably a little worried. Great. “I’m just a huge fuckup and I don’t know how to stop being bad at everything.”  
  
  
“That’s not true!” Blue gave him a squeeze, only letting go to slide a big Frappuccino in front of him. It was absolutely covered in sprinkles. “You’re good at many things! Why don’t you have a drink-“  
  
  
“Ya ‘n Edge fightin’ or somethin’?” Red got even more abrasive when he was genuinely concerned, and the table shook with the force of his punch. “The hell ya do **_this_** time, huh?!”  
  
  
“Shut _UP,_ Red!” Blue kicked the other skeleton under the table, “Maybe _Edge_ did something to _him!”_  
  
  
“I...” Where did he even _start_ to answering these question? “I don’t _know,”_ he answered honestly, pressing his cheekbone against the top of his brother’s head, “We’ve argued and fought before, but this feels _different.”_  
  
  
He tightened his hold around his brother, staring at the wood, “Like, really bad, really off different. It’s _weird-_ I don’t like it, it’s not like we’re fighting-fighting but it’s not like we’re on stellar terms either. It’s maybe neither of our faults and both of our faults, but I’m not sure. I don’t know how to fix it. All I know is that I don’t want Edge walking on eggshells around me...”  
  
  
“If it was Papy’s fault, why would Edge be cautious around him?” Blue asked Red pointedly, but in a moment he was back to being coddling, gently rubbing Stretch’s back in concerned affection, “What happened? Is that why he’s not here today?”  
  
  
“No, and it was kinda my fault too. I overreacted. I left him at home because he was still sleeping.” He shrugged half-heartedly, “He’s been... really sleepy lately. I’m kinda worried-”  
  
  
Red snorted like he was holding back a laugh, “Pancake’s a greedy bastard, huh? Like their Daddy.”  
  
  
“It’s-” Yeah, ok, Soulings _did_ need a lot of magic. “Fine, it’s probably a pregnancy thing, but we’re going to the doctor on Thursday, just in case.” He held up a hand, “Anyway, that’s not the point- I left him a note on the dresser, and then I realized I forgot my reward card. But I guess by that time Edge though I left, ‘cause then I could hear him talking with someone on speaker. It was Comic. He was... asking him for advice about missing home...”  
  
  
“Oh.” Blue patted his back consolingly, sympathizing politely even if it was clear he didn’t quite understand the issue. “I’m sorry, Papy. Sometimes it’s good for monsters to vent to a neutral third party, though. It’s better than bottling it up, right? Maybe Edge didn’t want to talk to you about it because he didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”  
  
  
“Yeah...” Blue made some good points and it sounded reasonable enough. Edge was probably being conscientious, but... “But he’s _supposed_ to talk to _me_ about these things, isn’t he? Am I a bad husband, if he doesn’t feel like he can talk with me freely or directly? Can he not trust me?” Stretch lowered his voice, soul feeling unbearably heavy, “Does that mean he’s unhappy here? Unhappy with _me?_ If he misses Underfell, doesn’t that mean he wants to go back? What if-“  
  
  
“S’fine.” Red had little patience for tact or diplomacy, rough and painfully dismissive. “Wouldn’t a done speaker if he ain’t wantcha to hear. S’reassurin’ ya he’s dealin’ with that _saudade_ bullshit. S’always been heart over brains for ‘im. He’ll get over it.“  
  
  
“But-“ Stretch frowned, feeling less reassured, “That’s not-“  
  
  
“Don’t’cha worry, Honey bunch. I’ll straightin’ yer hubby out.” Red cracked his knuckles in an obvious show of bravado, smile sharp and confident, “S’gotten too touchy-feely, but ain’t nothin’ a nice lil’ chat can’t fix.“  
  
  
“I don’t _want_ that!” Stretch wasn’t sure how he felt about Red’s flippancy- relieved his worst fears were being disproved, or annoyed Edge’s feelings were being dismissed? “I don’t _want_ Edge to be _secretly_ miserable! I want him to be **_happy!_** Not just _pretend_ to be happy for **_my_** sake-“  
  
  
The corners of his eye sockets burned unpleasantly, and he rubbed at them irritably, “I never meant to **_force_** him to come here- I would have been just as happy to stay with him in Underfell! But he-“ His voice hitched miserably, shoulders shaking as his brother held him. “I don’t want him to hate me! I didn’t mean to ruin his life!”  
  
  
“The hell’s **_wrong_** with ya?!” Red was wide-eyed, hands hovering nervously like he wanted to slap or shake Stretch. “The fuck ya talkin’ about?! Why the fuck ya bawlin’?!”   
  
  
“Papy.” Stretch couldn’t even shrug before Blue was pulling him closer, tucking his face against his chest like he was in stripes again. It should have been embarrassing, but it was actually incredibly soothing. “Edge doesn’t hate you, and he doesn’t think you ruined his life. It just seems like it because the parent _MOOD_ is amplifying your anxiety.”  
  
  
Stretch felt disoriented and confused, blinking at his brother blearily, “Huh?”  
  
  
“I’m not saying your feelings aren’t real or anything- I just want you to know that it’s Pancake making everything seem more intense and extreme.” Blue’s tone was calm and patient, and although he let Stretch pull away, he kept a supportive hand on his back.  
  
  
“This?” Stretch patted at his cheeks, surprised to find them just a little damp. He had forgotten to be upset, too focused on Blue’s comfort and being confused. “This is my parent _MOOD_ starting? I’m not just being unnaturally overdramatic?”  
  
  
“You’re being _naturally_ sensitive!” All expecting parents go through this, so there’s no reason to be ashamed.  
  
  
“The fuck ya about, huh?!” Red looked agitated and unsure, “Brat ain’t even _here-_ they ain’t even _born!”_  He clutched the table hard enough his claws dug into the plastic guard, nervous in a way Stretch wasn’t used to seeing, “Ya been _cursed_ or somethin’?! Is Edge?!”  
  
  
“No! No, we’re fine- I’m just, uh, it’s a sympathetic pregnancy symptom,” Stretch cleared his throat, looking away from that strangely vulnerable expression. He had to force down the sudden urge to comfort Red, since he was sure his brother-in-law would probably bite him if he tried. Biology was so _weird._ “Monster babies are made from pieces of both their parents souls, right?”  
  
  
Red finally nodded, hesitantly,   
  
  
“Since monsters _are_ their souls, and Pancake’s claimed a piece of mine, then it makes sense I get zapped by some side effects, too.” He tried very very hard to keep his tone even, to not give into the urge to start babying his brother-in-law, “Can’t have one parent shouldering the whole thing, right?”  
  
  
“Fine, fine, no curse-“ Red moved his hand impatiently, still restless and annoyed, “So? What’s a fuckin’ parent _MOOD?”_  
  
  
“It’s what monsters call these extreme mood swings.” Blue sighed, leaning on the table, “Basically, the non-pregnant partner becomes super emotional and reacts disproportionately to every little thing. Like, they’ll cry if they’re sad over a movie, or smother you if they’re worried about you. It’s not always as pronounced as Pa- uh, Stretch’s case, something about physiology.”  
  
  
Stretch _knew_ Blue was talking generally, but that criticism still stung. Was he being overly emotional? Blue just told him it was fine! Besides, it didn’t _feel_ like he was disproportionately reacting to anything- and he certainly wasn’t _smothering._  
  
  
“It’s _biological,”_ Stretch muttered sulkily, crossing his arms over his chest as he sank down, _“Sympathetic_ and _empathetic_ partners mean better care for the pregnant parent! Better care for the pregnant parent means a healthier, happier Souling- so I am being a _good_ Dad!”  
  
  
“Of _course_ you are, Papy! You’re going to be a great Papa!” Blue patted his brother’s arm indulgently, giving Red a meaningful look from across the table, “You should finish your coffee before it gets too cool.”  
  
  
“Oh! Right!” Stretch took a cautious sip, but it was lukewarm at best. Ah well. Still delicious!   
  
  
“So...” Red rubbed at his face aggressively, speaking slowly, “Back up. Yer mood swings’ makin’ ya scared Edge’s gonna leave ya fer Underfell? Ok. So… why ya tellin’ _us?_ Whatcha want _us_ to do ‘bout it, Honey?”  
  
  
“Obviously a little R&R- Reassurance and Relief!” Blue looked proud, although Stretch hadn’t actually thought about it that way, “You want me to comfort you, and Red to tell you what Edge is probably planning and thinking, right?”  
  
  
“Ye-“ Stretch started to say, before stopping himself and frowning, “No? I don’t know? But that sounds really nice.” He turned his most pathetic, helpless pleading expression to his brother-in-law, “Pretty, pretty please?”  
**__  
**  
“Look.” Red grit through his teeth, holding his hands out on the table stiffly. Stretch recognized that gesture as Underfellese for ‘all cards on the table with nothing up my sleeve.’  
  
  
“I ain’t know _everythin’_ in Edge’s empty-ass skull, ‘n he’s real fuckin’ _shunsho_ sometimes,” Red sighed irritably, glaring at Stretch like he was personally responsible for that, “But he fuckin’ _sucks_ at keepin’ his feelin’s quiet. He’ll _do_ shit he ain’t wanna do if he gotta, but he bitches ‘n moans ‘n acts up the _whole. Goddamn._ ** _Time.”_**  
  
  
Stretch smiled at that, rubbing his wedding band fondly. He wouldn’t have put it in those terms, but yeah. Red was right.  
  
  
“Ya think Edge’d be here if he didn’t _want_ to? Ya think **_I’d_** be here if **_he_** wasn’t serious ‘bout him **_wanna_** being here?” Red wrenched his hands back to grab Stretch by the front of his hoodie, giving him a shake so hard something rattled loudly. Guilt didn’t have a chance to settle before he was being shaken like a maraca again. “Ain’t no goin’ back to Underfell, anyway! Fuckin’ told ya: Edge’s **_yer_** problem now, ‘n ain’t no takebacks!“  
  
  
“But is he _happy?”_ Stretch could read between the lines, but implication was different from **_confirmation._** “How do you know-“  
  
  
“Ya real so goddamn _shunsho!”_ Red started cursing unintelligibly, “Why ya _askin’_ that, huh?” Stretch didn’t have time to answer before Red gave him another hard shake. “ _‘Course_ he’s happy! Dumbass!”  
  
  
Red shoved him backwards, and it was only Blue’s quick reaction time that kept his skull from smacking into the wood.   
  
  
“Even in **_Underfell_** y’ain’t gonna get no Soulin’ ****_without_ love in yer heart fer yer partner!” There was an unusually friendly quality to that sharp smile. A lot like a shark might look at a fish it was about to eat. “If yer hubby’s outta sorts, s’cause _yer_ freakin’ __him out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's right! Stretch has been a little out of character recently because of the ParentMOOD! The nice thing about monsters is that the non-pregnant spouse shoulders more symptoms and work than human couples- as you shall soon find out!
> 
> *Shunsho is Ecuadorean slang for stupid, btw.


	2. My Little Darlin' is a Firecracker

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Were a match made in heaven_  
>  _And it ain't no joke._  
>  _But I'd sure I hate to see it go up in smoke_  
>  _We got a good thing going_  
>  _And it feels so right_  
>  _Shes a firecracker_  
>  _Shes the light of my life._  
>  \-- "Firecracker" by Josh Turner
> 
> Chapter Warning!  
> -Discussions of different monster funerary traditions! Lots of cultural headcanons!

“Me?!” Stretch gaped, unable to keep the surprised indignation out of his tone, **_“Me?!”_**  
  
  
Before Red could say anything else, Blue kicked him under the table again, “Thank _you_ for all that, Red!” Blue put his mouth literally against the side of his brother’s skull, saying as quietly as possible, “He’s an asshole but he’s _right_.”  
  
  
Somehow, Red still heard him.  Still stuck his tongue out petulantly, but he was obviously flattered. Even if he kicked Blue under the table and steal his last biscotti. It was kinda cute.  
  
  
Stretch shook his head free of that weird thought, focusing on his confused outrage, “What do you mean _I’m_ freaking _him_ out?!” Wait, he was the master of his emotions, he could ask this quietly and civilly! Think soothing thoughts, like clouds and kittens and successful science projects- “I mean, how am I putting Edge on... edge?” Hehe. “I’m doing my best to **_not_** do that?”  
  
  
“Well,” Blue folded his hands under his chin, looking thoughtful, “Edge still has his intent sensitivity-“  
  
  
“Parent sense!” Red chimed in helpfully, chewing noisily as he dunked his biscotti in the remaining half of Stretch’s coffee. He felt a deep pang of sadness, one that he couldn’t blame entirely on Pancake. He downed the rest of it before his brother-in-law could double-dunk.  
  
  
“So, even if you _tried_ to act like everything was fine, he would still be able to detect your intent.” Blue, trying so hard to be careful, was endearing and annoying, and it was a struggle to try and push those conflicting feelings away.  
  
  
“‘N ya ain’t too good an actor!” Red swiped Blue’s mug, using the last sliver of biscotti to scrape whipped cream off the inside.  
  
  
“You’re a **_great_** actor!” Blue assured him firmly, pointedly ignoring his obnoxious counterpart. “But the parent _MOOD_ heightens your emotions, and makes it more... obvious when you are... _troubled.”_  
  
  
“Saw ya lookin’ sad way aways.” Red had gotten a spoon from somewhere, and was using it to scrape up the dregs from his coffee cup,”‘N ya get lil’ _poofs_ ‘a intent when yer moods swingin’.”  
  
  
“Do- Do I really?!” Stretch couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “So my stupid mood swings are undermining my best attempts to play it cool? And are straining my marriage?”  
  
  
“ ** _Papy._** ” Blue was a very patient monster, but even he looked like he might be nearing his limit, “Your marriage is _fine_. Edge isn’t going to _divorce_ you over being a little _moody_. _He’s_ moody!”  
  
  
“Yep.” Red was playing with the spoon now, trying to balance it on the tips of his claws, “S’not his style, ‘n Fell ain’t real big on ‘divorce. ‘Fore it got bad, Boss’d prolly kill ya ‘n put ya in an _osario._ ”  
  
  
“Oh.” Stretch wasn’t sure if he was comforted or alarmed by that tidbit. Blue looked horrified, so he probably should feel more like that. Weird. “What’s that?”  
  
  
“ _Osario_ ’s lotsa stuff- s’box thing. Glass ‘n shit. For ya? Mm... ‘Prolly a _collar.”_ Red’s smile stretched wider at that reaction, voice nonchalant even as he watched Blue carefully. Out of the corner of his eye. “Touchy-feely bastard’ prolly carry ya around whole damn time, too. No inventori for ya, Honey.”  
__  
  
“WHAT?!” Blue was aghast, looking pale, so Stretch absolutely shouldn’t have felt a little flattered at that. And certainly not pleased. “Edge regularly carries...” Blue fidgeted, lowering his voice to a strained whisper, _“Monster dust?”_  
  
  
“Before, yeah?” Red didn’t look like he quite understood the question, “Not _now_. Didn’t bring none here, don’t think.”  
  
  
“ ** _WhY?!_** ” Blue rubbed at his face, “Underfell is a terrible, vicious place, I know-“ Stretch winced at that, remembering Edge’s bitter sulk after the whole bar incident. Had _his_ little meltdown over that whole will-death talk make his husband’s insecurities worse? “But what _reason_ could any monster _possibly_ have to carry _that_ around?!”  
  
  
“Sos ya can **_honor the dead,_** Baby Blue.” Red gave the other skeleton a sharp look, “What _else_ ya gonna do? Stick ‘em up like a goddamn _decoration_? Psh. Ain’t nothin’ sadder than being goddamn **_forgotten._** ”  
  
  
Oh nooooo, this _was_ just a huge cultural misunderstanding. Edge wasn’t being macabre! He totally hurt his hubby’s feelings! On something Edge was already sensitive about!   
  
  
“I _told_ you like a hundred times- that’s **_Undertale!_** In **_Underswap,_** everyone who knew them puts some of monster’s dust in a pot of soil!” Red and Blue were still going at it. “Then, you plant an echo flower seed and care for it until it blooms. Then, it will have your loved one’s voice, and it feels like you can talk to them! That’s the _opposite_ of forgotten!”  
  
  
“ ** _That’s_** fuckin’ creepy, man.” Red shuddered, making that peace-bless hand signal over all three of them. “Dust’s _dust_! It havin’ a Dusted’s magic color ‘n voice just ain’t right.”  
  
  
“How is _carrying_ your friend’s dust _everywhere_ you go any less creepy?!” Blue threw his arms up. “At least you don’t actually _see_ the dust on an echo flower, and it’s _quietly_ tended to! **At home!** ”  
  
  
“‘Cause we ain’t _pretendin’_ they _ain’t_ dusted! Fine, look, s’diff for diff monsters ‘n shit, but here’s how Edge’d do it-“ Oh noooo, it was _cultural_ AND something _personally_ important to Edge! Stretch put his head in his hands. Oh, he fucked up _so bad._  
  
  
“Lil’ bit of dust s’given to whatever bastard wants it, yeah? Crown takes s lil’ dusted RG go in this lil’ medal thing, ‘n their put in...” Red made a face, struggling with the phrasing, “ _Patria_... temple...? Some bullshit place, lotsa flowers ‘n ribbon ‘n shit, s’like ‘rememberin’ the fallen’ whatever.”  
  
  
Red rubbed at his face like he was getting a headache, “S’long story, but as Cap’n he was wearin’ a diff _osario_ a day. Come in Grillby’s, pour a lil’ rum out fer the Angel ‘n the Dusted ‘n down rest. ‘H everybody’d do it, too. ‘N we’d chat about ‘em, laugh ‘n just... remember.”  
  
  
He sighed deeply, tone soft and melancholic, “Ain’t nothin’ scarier for Fell than thinkin’ yer life ain’t _matter._ That y’ain’t make no kind of mark on no one at all.”  
  
  
Blue didn’t say anything at that, watching Red carefully and with veiled pity. Or was that understanding? “I guess that doesn’t sound _so_ terrible. It’s the same principle as our Memorial Echo tradition.” He smiled, “Knowing that your loved ones will keep you alive in their memories, even as they make new ones with a piece of you at their side. It seems like it would give some monsters peace of mind.”  
**__  
**  
Damn. Stretch hadn’t mentioned _what_ he and Edge had actually ‘fought’ about! How did Red and Blue know?! There was _no way_ this conversation _hadn’t_ been orchestrated- it was _way_ too creepily relevant! At the same time, Edge probably hadn’t told them. He was always saying ‘dirty laundry is done at home,’ so how...?  
  
  
“Are you ok, Papy?” Blue looked concerned, reaching out to turn his face toward the light, “You’re looking a little pale-“  
  
  
He pulled away, putting his brother’s hand back on the table. “I don’t know _how_ you both know what you know,” Stretch started warily, eyeing them both suspiciously, “And it’s still _creepy-_ but ok. I got your message. Loud and clear.”  
  
  
“Huh?” Red looked at him like he grew another head- that devious bastard was _actually_ trying to act dumb! “Fuck ya talkin’-“  
  
  
“I hurt Edge’s feelings, bad, so I gotta make all of this up to him.” He shifted restlessly, “How do I apologize to him? What would a Fell monster do?”  
  
  
“Fell don’t _apologize,_ ‘cause Fell ain’t got no _feelin’s!_ Just act normal ‘n like there ain’t nothin’ bad.” Red mimed brushing dust off of his jacket, “ _Ya_ forget? ** _I_** forget. S’easy!”  
  
  
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Blue crossed his arms over his chest, looking pensive, “You’re _not_ Fell, and Edge won’t expect a Fell-style apology from you. Actually, he might be _more_ hurt by the fact it looks like you _don’t_ care.”  
  
  
His face must have fallen, because Blue immediately continued, “So, I think you should just talk to him! Say you realized you hurt his feelings, apologize, and that you want to make it up to him!”  
  
  
“Is this like a dungeon puzzle?” Stretch put his head on the table, “I don’t know. What question do I ask so I know which of you is lying and which of you is telling the truth?”  
  
  
Distantly, he heard Blue explain over his head, hand patting his back, “It’s a movie reference.”  
  
  
“Ok, whatever, we don’t got all fuckin’ day.” Red must have leaned on the table, because he sounded a lot closer in an instant, “Why don’tcha do both? Sorry by gettin’ Edge somethin’ nice ‘nstead a’pologizin’, yeah?”  
  
  
“Like _what?_ ” Stretch turned his face onto the side of his arm with a dejected sigh, unable to muster the strength to lift his head. Trying to fight against biology was too much work- he was just gonna be an emotional mess for the rest of this quarter. Thanks a lot, Pancake.  
  
  
“From _you?_ ” Red squinted at him, hand drumming on the table, “Uh, sing. One ‘a them cowboy songs.”  
  
  
Stretch sat up abruptly, whacking at where his ears should have be. “ _Huh?_!”  
  
  
“Ya made a mixtape one Gyftmas, yeah?” Red knew about _that?!_ Why did Red know about **_that?!_** “S’favorite gift ya ever gave. Goddamn brat listened to it fuckin’ _thousand_ times.”  
  
  
“That was a **_gag_** gift!” Stretch couldn’t believe it, a weird mix of touched and embarrassed and confused. “He wasn’t supposed to like it!!! I- I _yodeled_ , man! There was a banjo- I don’t _know_ how to play the banjo! I play the har _bone_ ica! I put so much ‘twang’ into the first like 3 songs I kept coughing throughout ‘I’ve got Spurs that Jingle Jangle Jingle!’ And you’re telling me he liked it?!” He dragged his hands down his face, wishing he could sink into the floor. (and still kinda weird pleased) “He listened to it! _More than once?!_ ”  
  
  
Blue laughed lightly, turning his face away as though that were any less humiliating for his poor, embarrassed, put-upon brother, “I remember.” Why did Blue remember?! _What_ did he remember?!  
  
  
“Sorry, Papy,” Blue didn’t look or sound apologetic enough, “But you _were_ singing at the top of yours lungs and you kept crashing into things. You were laughing almost the entire time, though, so I assumed you were having a good time.”  
  
  
“Ughhhh...” Stretch tried to slide down the cushioned seats and onto the floor as Red and Blue snickered. Laughing at his expense. Traitors. “Is that what Edge liked about it so much? Making fun of me?”  
  
  
“Ya damn well _know_ that ain’t true.” Red wasn’t quite as smiley anymore.  
  
  
“Then why-?”  
  
  
“ ‘Cause he’s sappy as _shit!_ ” Red was at the end of his patience, bringing his hands down hard enough to shake the table, “He _likes_ bein’ able to be _soft_ with ya, ok?! All them singin’ bad ‘n dancin’ in the kitchen kinda shit! So pick yer noggin fer somethin’ _sugary as hell_ ‘n just!” He gestured, articulating something Stretch could barely understand. “ _Fuckin’!_ Don’t apologize like a **_bitch!_** Seduce him like a **_nerd!_** ”  
  
  
“Ok!” This was sounding like a better and better plan! Be as charming and goofy and lovable romcom protagonist-y as possible, sweep Edge off his high heels, and get everything back to normal! With the added bonus of making Edge super happy and letting him know he was deeply, truly loved! Brilliant!  
  
  
“Blue!” He turned to his brother, an excited twinkle to his eye, “How do I do that? What are the best romcom tropes and treats?”  
  
  
“Um.” Blue’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment as Red leered at him, but he soldiered on, “You could leave him cute voice messages of you singing for him. Uh, he’s more of a savory person, so some biscuits or something from the Barkery might be nice. Balloons? Flowers? Everybody likes flowers!”  
  
  
“Y’ain’t ever get _me_ flowers.” Red teased, grin sharp.  
  
  
“Stuffed animals are popular too.” Blue ignored him, “But make sure you’re tailoring it to his interests-“  
  
  
“He likes dancin’!” Red moved his torso to some imaginary beat, but with that snickering, Stretch wasn’t sure if he was being serious or not. “S’Latin night somewhere! Merengue ‘n Salsa ‘n cumbias, _nuerito!_ Real heat up with a bachata!”  
  
  
“Yeah, ok! I don’t! Know! What half of those are! But ok!” This was going to be _great!_ Stretch pulled his brother into a hug, kissing the top of his head, “You’re a _genius_ , bro!”  
  
  
“Red-”  
  
  
Red backed himself into a corner when Stretch turned to him, holding his hand out, “Ain’t gonna letcha kiss _me_ ‘fore buyin’ dinner, Honey.”  
  
  
Stretch laughed at that, Soul feeling light and suddenly incredibly happy, shaking his brother-in-law’s hand... before clanking a kiss to the back of his handanyway. Had to practice being as charming as possible, after all!  
  
  
“Thanks guys!” He was up in a moment, bouncing on the heels of his high tops excitedly, “I’m gonna hit up the Barkery to get a special order in before they close! And the flower shop! And see what other cool stuff I can find!”  
  
  
“Papy-“ Blue called out, “You still need to _tell_ him why-“  
  
  
“Don’t be givin’ all at once- draw shit out!” Red was louder, obviously riling Stretch up even further, “Keep ‘im guessin’!”  
  
  
Stretch was already out the door, phone to his head and waving cheerily as he ran- _literally ran_ \- off. Blue sighed deeply.  
  
  
“Whatcha wanna bet on?” Red was gleefully devious, worrying at a piece of g like the caricature villain he liked to project himself as. “How’sit gonna blow? Who’s gonna blow?”  
  
  
“It’s _rude_ and in _poor taste_ to bet _against_ your brother and brother-in-law’s _happiness_.” Blue told him primly, “So, I’ll bet a compliment to Edge, on a topic of your choosing, that Edge is going to contact me to ask what’s wrong with Papy-“  
  
  
“I ain’t gonna take those odds!” Red crossed his arms petulantly, “S’fuckin’ **_rigged_** , _tramposo!_ ”  
  
  
“ _Before_ he rips into you for outing his cowboy kink to my brother.” Blue finished with a coy smile, laying his hands on the table with a shrug. “But if you’re too _chicken-_ “  
  
  
“ ** _Hah!_** ” Red’s smile was excited and bright as he put his own hands down, palms up, “That’s **_good!_** Hell if I know. I’ll betcha...” His fingers drummed on the table pensively, “Hm... Betcha an paternal encouragin’ fer Honey. Tell ‘im he’s gonna be a good Papa.”  
  
  
“Yeah, okay,” Blue reached for the hand Red offered him, turning it carefully to make sure it wasn’t booby trapped. As soon as they shook on it, Red kicked him under the table- and he got a joy buzzer to the knee.  
  
  
“I _hate_ you!” Sputtering angrily, Blue rubbed at his knee, obviously trying to dispel the lingering numbness, “You’re such an _asshole!_ ”  
  
  
“Love ya too, baby cakes.” Red blew him a kiss as he stood up, stretching his arms over his head. “Now hurry _up_ ‘n grab ‘em napkins! Game’s comin’ on at 1:00, and I ain’t gonna miss it ‘cause you’re bein’ lazy.”  
  
  
Red was already at the door, walking into a shortcut before he had to hear Blue cussing him out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few clarifications/background info:  
> -Osario in English is "Ossuary," but for the purposes of Underfell culture, think of it more as a "reliquary." Those are these ornate containers for venerated objects in Catholicism, and come in a variety of shapes and sizes.  
> -Collar is a double entendre: it's like the dog collar kind in English, but in Spanish it's just a necklace.  
> \- The saying in spanish is, "La ropa sucia se lava en casa," or "Dirty laundry is washed at home." Meaning you don't air dirty laundry/family issues and stuff in front of people.  
> _ Underswap monster funerals: Echo flowers are a memorial flower, and because they're magical flowers, soil infused with monster dust gives them that monster's voice! They'll echo back whatever you tell them in the voice of the deceased, so it's customary to keep them at home and just... talk to them, hear the things you miss the most. "I love you" is the usual phrase of choice. They're pretty hardy flowers, so they live for as long as they're cared for.  
> \- Blue! Blue isn't a bad person, but he's not perfect- there's a lot of things he could stand to do better! Is he being culturally insensitive? Yeah! But on the other hand, what is his point of reference, aside from Underswap? Red! Red, who delights in playing all these stupid childish pranks on him, and likes to stress the most uncomfortable, horrifying, awful aspects of Underfell life to him! Just because he thinks Blue's reactions are really funny! And while Blue and Edge are on better terms than before, they're not particularly close, so he doesn't know how hard he takes offhanded comments like that. And Red usually agrees and eggs him on, so... All of this is to say I'm trying to make all these characters three-dimensional and not trying to demonize anyone. :'D  
> \- Blue and Red stopped betting each other gold ages ago. Now, they bet nice things they have to do for their brother-in-law!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all for your continued encouragement and support! I appreciate every kudo and comment you send my way! ;w;
> 
> Red Velvet Reel has a [tumblr](https://redvelvetreel.tumblr.com/)now! Come say hi! <3


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